Feeling my grief, anger and exhaustion from the Atlanta shootings

Asian-Australian
Written By Jean Sum

I don't know how to write this. It is 1am and I am exhausted. I don't know if my words make sense. But my heart is urging me on.

Atlanta shooting - 8 people died, 6 of whom are Asian Women.

The police said the man 'had a sexual addiction and it was a really bad day'... 'too early to say if it is racially motivated...'

On social media, the same police officer posted a T-shirt “COVID-19 imported virus from Chy-Na” and encouraged everyone to buy one just last year.

I couldn't process it initially. My head was analysing. I felt numb.

And as I got more involved in a chat group of Asian-Australian movers and shakers, I started to drop into it.

Then a few hours later, my body caught up. 

Suddenly a deluge of complex topics came crashing onto me. I felt waves and waves of emotion charge at me. Anger, grief, despair, exhaustion, pain, trauma. The only thing that I could do was post in a work forum, then in chat groups with my sisters, my Biodanza family and LinkedIn. My words came fumbling out, as they are right now. I didn't/don't know how to write about it, my brain hasn't yet aligned with my body and feelings. My brain thought I was playing the ego-card - speaking out to get attention. 

But no, my heart and body were urging me to cry out.

It felt like a call for unity with my Asian family. To call for support from our allies. A big part of me wants to act. But how? I do not know yet.

I cried over dinner. I am grateful to be with mum and dad this week, and as I sobbed into my mother's arms, I felt the generations of female oppression in my ancestry. Bound feet, men with multiple wives, baby girls killed because they could not carry the family name and be a financial 'burden', women told they are worthless and stupid.

So why do I feel this? 

I feel this because there are so many women forced into sex-work. Being oppressed and controlled - both by white men and by our own people. Sexualised as objects. Overflowing into the workplace. Power and Control. 

I feel this because I see our experiences minimalised and oppressed. Someone with as much power as the police are saying the man was 'having a really bad day' and 'he was at the end of his rope'. 

I feel this because of colonisation - of one ethnicity feeling more superior another.

I feel this because often choices are limited for many Asian women due to poverty, survival. 

I feel this because it's been over a year of Asians being the target of COVID -19 related racism globally.

I feel this because of generations of racism towards Asians.

I feel this because again, it's taken the deaths of women for us to take notice.

I don't personally know these women. I don't know their stories. I don't know their experiences. I don't know if I'm making assumptions.

But I feel our collective pain. Both hidden and the unhidden. I feel the intergenerational trauma. I feel my Asian sisters' silent pain. I feel for their families and loved ones. My body and heart is pouring with grief.

I would like to acknowledge the 8 victims:

  • Soon Chung Park, 74

  • Hyun Jung Grant, 51

  • Suncha Kim, 69

  • Yong Yue, 63

  • Daoyou Feng, 44

  • Xiaojie Tan, 49, massage therapist & owner of 1 spa

  • Delaina Ashley Yaun, 33, mother of a 14 year old & 8mo old

  • Paul Andre Michels, 54

Jean Sum

Jean Jing Yin Sum is an award-winning Courage & Transformation Coach, accredited Biodanza Facilitator, Maven of Change, Speaker, and powerful Space Holder. She supports women and men to embody their courage and drop into their amazing transformations.

Celebrated as Trainee Coach of the Year with Beautiful You Coaching Academy, Jean serves her community with love, courage and presence.

Jean has an insatiable curiosity for humanity and brings a holistic approach to her work through meditation, movement and energy practices.

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