How Courage & Vulnerability create more conscious and loving relationships
Being in a relationship takes courage and even more vulnerability. Hollywood versions of relationships can create an unrealistic fantasy of what deeply connected relationships are and have the potential to be. From the moment you decide to say yes to a date, to moving in together, to creating your future dreams, it takes an enormous amount of courage to step into these points of a relationship.
We haven’t been taught what a good, connected relationship looks like, so we rely on books, movies and magazines to show us. It’s as if we finish school/university, and tada! We know how to ‘do’ relationships (or be humans).
But it is so much more than this. Creating a loving relationship is about devotion, growing together and having the courage to go to the edges and move through these. It is easy in an argument to shut off, put the walls around our hearts and walk away, only to come back a few days later and pretend nothing has happened. But this creates a perpetual cycle where hurts are being buried only waiting until the next time it resurfaces.
Creating a more conscious and loving relationship takes courage on both sides, and practice. Knowing that we will fail and to be kind and compassionate with ourselves and with the other allows us to try and refine these practices. And when we bring in the consciousness to be courageous and vulnerable in our relationships, we start to feel a different quality in our connection — for example, sharing something from the past that we are not proud of enables our partner to see us more, and allows a different type of conversation that may support us in our own healing. But when you share it, it could feel like you just want to shrivel up and die, in particular when we don’t know how the other person will react.
What does Courage in relationships look like?
Saying “I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you”
Sharing your relationship intention with them and asking them create one with you
Seeing your partner struggle, and feeling their pain while supporting them
Being and staying open in an argument, especially when you are hurting
Trying new practices together to deepen your relationship and to allow a sense of curiosity
Asking to have space during your day when you spend little time together in a long distance relationship
The moment when you wait for response when you share something from the past (possibly something you’re not proud of)
These small (and big) acts of courage allows us to have deeper and more connected relationships with our life partner. Creating the space where both individuals have the opportunity to see each other with openness and truly allow conversations that don’t push an agenda enables us to bring the love and devotion that many of us deeply desire.
My Personal Story
When I first started my relationship with my man, we wanted to create a relationship that is connected, loving and committed to growth. Growth within ourselves, and growth with one another. Creating this enables us to create a strong foundation for our growth and for when the proverbial hits the fan. Knowing that we are devoted to each other where we support, trust and love one another allows us to bring our vulnerability and courage forth. I have experienced this many times over in my relationship, especially when old patterns of behaviour and fears come up. Finding my courage and vulnerability to share these old patterns and stories that I hadn’t been proud of has helped me heal, and own these parts of me. I was scared that he would leave me if I shared, but I felt it was important that I did. From the perspective of our relationship, it has strengthened as it is also helping heal parts of himself that had been buried.
Courage and vulnerability is created over time. The Courage Muscle as I like to call it.
Here are some tips for building your courage muscle:
Showing how you feel in the moment — show, not speak
Playing music for 5 minutes and taking turns to move in front of the other while the other witnesses
Finding creative ways to create a sexual spark in your long term relationship — eg a cheeky text, getting home early and leaving hints from the front door to the bedroom
Sharing a fantasy with your partner
Sharing your dreams of how you desire your life to look like
Sharing what you desire, rather than telling/demanding the other what you want them to do for you
Give these a go and see what opens up in your relationship, share with me on how bring courage supports you in having a more loving and conscious relationship.
